Thank You All

The comments have meant a lot to me and I thank you for your patience as I've sorted this out. I'll give it to you, I've had a heck of a hormone trio of days, but hopefully when I come out the other end (not there yet) I'll still feel what I'm starting to feel now and is that this is good. I usually go with my restless gut on these things and even though it may change later on, I'm never sorry. If you know me, I do this. Change furniture, change colors, change hair....in these ways I'm an evolutionist....ha,ha! Don't go there though, you'll have another deep post you don't want to read!:)
See part of being here (as I defined it, a large virtual room) I unfairly started to assume that those in the room should want to share as much as me! It was selfish really. My first post over at The Window Seat talks about that, so I won't repeat myself. I'm a visual person, so this change had to happen so I can remember that my writing needs to be from the cozy, comfortable place of solidarity in my mind and you are welcome to come by to read what was reflected there but I will no longer expect something from the crowd. I hope you can see how this was important for me. I know it sounds strange. I'm strange.
I wanted to copy the comments because I so appreciated them (and yes, there was something in me that found it so great to hear from my sweet silent friends:)
Amy B said:
I love reading your blog, Alicia. I don't comment as often as I'd like as I have moments to sit down and read before I'm interrupted by the kids. I chew on it for the rest of the day and it somehow manages to bring out a conversation with me and my hubby before we go to bed. I think that I'll be back to comment and then time goes on, more posts are made... and you're right, the things you blog about are not things one can just glaze over and catch up on like daily blogs (although those are good when family isn't around daily) but it's stuff that could take hours to debate and discuss and dig through. I rarely get comments o mine either. Please don't be discouraged that comments are not coming... people still are. (-: And your thoughts do matter...

I appreciated this because it was the first comment that reminded me that I see this from the writer stance and not the reader. She is right! Life is this way. I'm blessed to know that I cause chewing cause I want to write meaty stuff ;) It also confirmed that sometimes I go too fast and write too much.

Katy said:
I enjoyed your fit. :) I'm afraid I am not nearly as deep a thinker as you, Alicia. Not that I don't like to read about other's deep thoughts though. And, I admit I like the daily trivial stuff like kids, vacations, decorating, etc. I hear you on wanting feedback from something you've invested in too. I think I've made maybe 2 posts ever that I felt that way about and honestly, it was draining and not worth it to me in the end. So, I stick to pictures and short commentary.

I love that Katy called it a fit because that's what I've been calling it ever since. I know her and could see the sweet look on her face as she said it. It actually cheered me up. It confirmed too that many blog readers are looking for light easy reads. That's okay, I needed to know. It helped me fine tune the type of blogger I am passioned to be. It's not that light easy read type but I'm okay with that now. It helped me a lot to see where other heads were. She hit the nail on the head, when you pour out your heart, it can be draining. It's only freeing if you do it for yourself really.

Kristen said:
I kind of ditto what Katy wrote. I have such mixed feelings about blogging as well. It's hard to not get comments when you truly want to know what people think, and for me it's hard to leave comments when i haven't had to time think about it or barely have time to just read the post. I think it can be so time consuming that many people (myself included) tend to keep things trivial. If you have a loyal few who leave you regular comments, you could just consider that your dedicated reading group and think about only reaching them. Ultimately, blogging has to be what you want/need it to be. And if it's not, then maybe it's time for a change. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to keep going with my blog--because I post oh so often.

This was so well expressed and again, confirmed some things I was assuming was happening. Again, I wrote about this in "The Lone Oak" but I needed to be reminded of when I had no room in my head for any thoughts or to read the kind of posts I put out here. Mom's of young kids are looking for a mental escape and I remember that feeling of "i have nothing left right now". Reminding me that it has to be what I want it to be really helped Kristen, because I spent the rest of the day asking myself what I did want it to be. BTW, I love your blog!

Tricia said:
I hope you get a clear direction on what you should do. I enjoy reading your deep thought posts. I understand your where you are at. I am struggle myself about whether to continue to blog. I have recently just had less time to read blogs and to blog myself.

What can I say, Trish has always been my deep thinking comrade at arms. However, if she ends her blog, I'll yell at her. ;) I understand the time thing, I've been there too when it comes to reading. I think a little of this was burn out, I've been doing it for years.

My dear SIL Joan said:
I agree with Amy B. Most of your "deep" posts would take too long for me to think about what I want to say and how to articulate it, and I'm always concerned that I won't communicate what I mean accurately. And at this point in my life, I just don't have that kind of time to devote to the blogosphere! I do enjoy reading your thoughts, though, and would love more updates on your family as well. I'm sorry this experience has been discouraging for you. Know that you are loved, and that your thoughts are enjoyed!

This really helped me too. You guys are all better than me, you THINK about what you want to articulate. I don't' know what I think UNTIL I start to articulate. I don't hash it through, I start typing and then assess it. It made me realize that participation for the type of blogging I like to do is SO MUCH to ask! Thank you! Sorry, Joanie, I'll be updating on the fam through Facebook from now on unless it's something I'm reflecting on in the window:) I love you ooodles too and so thank you for your honesty.

Karen said:
I had to laugh, I made my facebook comment last night to you before I read this post...I totally understand your analogy of sitting in a room full of people and NO ONE saying ANYTHING. That makes ALOT of sense as to why you are feeling that way. An apology comes from me that I might likely be one of those silent people in a full room. I am not the first one to pipe up and share, I can be pretty self conscious about certain topics, topics that you hit on ALOT. I would likely only share back with you in a small room with few people, which the www is NOT. BUT please don't think that you aren't stirring thought and contemplation of different perspectives...I suspect that many of us just aren't of the personality to jump in on a large public scale and be as bold and brave as you.

Thank you for saying the analogy helped! I'm an analogy person, a visual person so I'm glad someone else was helped by that instead of just crazy ole me. It was good to hear your honesty Karen, I see you as one of the least self conscious people I know. Still, I understand how this can be in this type of environment and with these topics. It was good for me to know this to understand where you are coming from. I don't know how brave I am...just crazy. :)

Here is my response to Karen there:
Well, thank you for that my dear, and I understand. You know, that is what I've had to come to grips with and that it's okay. I have to visualize myself reflecting on a lonely beautiful place where no one is there. It's actually helping me search out my even deeper thoughts because if you visualize a whole room you may be inhibited even if you ARE brave. SO, this is good for me. :) I love ya and so appreciate you sharing your thoughts. :)

I just really want to thank you ALL. This has really helped me! I needed to see in your heads for a second. It helped me clarify a lot of things. I have chosen to change, to move and to help my own head redefine what my blogging passion is. You are so kind to give me your honesty. It's shown me how unfair my expectations have been and that's been good for me. In the end you gave me your opinion when I really needed it and I hug you all in my heart for that.

So, things have started piping over yonder and I thank you for allowing me to make the changes I needed to. Thanks Judy for following me over:)

At The Window Seat: The Lone Oak
Window Friends
Hormone Hell Just In Time

At The Happy Homebody: Summer Salad Challenge Part 1

I've Moved

...back to an old neighborhood.

http://thewindowseatjournal.blogspot.com/

I've reopened the happy homebody cooking blog I use to have and will reopen Shoot For Eternity soon just to sit there for nostalgia.

A Speaker In a Silent Room

I've grown very emotional about my blogging again. I have to admit, when my computer broke down I was relieved not to even think about blogging. I've always had a love/hate relationship with it. I can't tell you why exactly.

I'm a thinker.

I love to share what I think...usually.

That is half of it, and it's why I keep coming here.

Second half?

I love to converse.

I love to hear what other people think and to stir up conversation.

That is the half I don't really get here.

It would not be so bad if the blogging did not take a lot of my time and energy to do. Many of my deep contemplative blogs are the ones that take the most time and they are the ones that I'm sure are the most challenging for readers to read or even have the time to pay attention to.

I thrive on stirring up thoughts on things that most people don't take the time to think about. I love to have a weird angle on something or a different perspective. I love to stimulate original thought. It's part of my nature to want to do this in writing or in conversation in person. Blogging has never grown to be what I'd always hopped it would be this way. I've seen it get close a few times but quite frankly, I think my drive for it is too much for most people to keep up with. Or, they don't understand what I'm saying at all perhaps.

I go to other blogs I enjoy who write regularly and their feedback is so stimulating! They have conversing readers sharing congruent thoughts or opinions or disagreements or ....frankly, whatever the heck, but SOMETHING.

I've noticed a pattern on my blog. I have a meter and keep track of what goes on here. I don't have a problem with readers, I have a problem with participants. I can have up to 30 readers in a day if the subject matter strikes them as interesting enough and I can have no to one or two responders (and usually I can predict who they will be..and my love goes out to you, you know who you are).

Do you know what that is like?

It's like sitting in a room with 30 people and sharing something you took time and energy to prepare, perhaps even something that makes you vulnerable, and your crowd listens in complete silence. Then, they get up to leave, again in complete silence.

I almost can't stand that.

Would you not wonder? Would you not think to yourself...did I say something wrong? Am I weird? Do they think I'm a nut? Do they get what I'm saying?

Should I care this much? Probably not.

Do I?

Yes. Unfortunately.

Am I emotional about it?

Yes. Unfortunately.

I could be lectured very well right now, and don't I know it. "Alicia, don't worry about all that, just do what you like to do."

Yes, but see, part of what I like to do is hear what other people think too. I can't do that part myself and yet it's half of why I do this.

I understand, most people don't blog like I do. As a matter of fact, most women bloggers hit on the daily stuff. Last time I quit my blog I quit because I could not do that. I could not be just trivial. But this is not good either.

To stretch and strain to pull together contemplative blogging leaves me expectant for response. After all, I put my neck out a lot in my blogging.

I'm really not a self conscience person. However, from this end, it's near impossible not to assume all kinds of things in the silence. After all, if it conjured up a lot of thought in my head, should it not stimulate the same in others? I don't know. I really don't.

Yet, since half of my passion for this comes from conversing with others, I get easily frustrated with the silence. I don't know how it is that even though it's half of my fun of doing this, I seem to draw 95% silent types.

It's starting to make me wonder if I want to do it anymore. There is nothing worse than reaching in, working hard to gather, and pulling out your deepest thoughts only to throw them into silence. Honestly, I think I'd feel better looking at the site meter and seeing that NO ONE came by! But, to see that 15-30 people did and had NOTHING to say, I almost get sick to my stomach.

Am I strange. Yes, I'll give you that.

Am I grumpy about it right now. Yes.

Am I throwing a juvenile fit? Maybe.

You caught me in a moment that I don't care though.

I LOVE the Alcorn book club I meet with in person right now. I adore hearing other people's thoughts on deep things. I love hearing people have SOMETHING to say. It's so stimulating.

I'm not suited for speaking in a silent room. It's just not me.

So, this stage light may very well go out soon.

If not, I'll try to gather the strength to keep it going for the every day stuff cause that seems to be all people give a darn about anymore anyway.

Everything else will have to stay in my head or personal discussion groups where I don't feel so awkward sharing it anymore.

You know the saying "no comment"...it always connotes something.

I wish I could get over it.

It's probably totally lame of me.

I don't have the energy to prepare to speak to silence.

It's not worth it.

Eclipse and "Wicked" Men: Anne Shirley Had It Right

There are no spoilers here...FYI. I'm keeping this general and safe. It would be wrong to the code of Twilight to ruin your experience in the theater AT ALL:)

I've always loved, understood and been pleasantly haunted by a line in Anne of Green Gables. Marilla asks Anne as they are walking through the pasture "would you want to marry a wicked man?" and Anne replies in her clever, potently witty way "No, but I'd like it if he COULD be wicked, and wouldn't".

And THAT ladies and gents is why women love Edward Cullen. I realized it this morning waking up out of my "got in at 3am" stooper after the six hour Cullen viewing last night. Not only is he a being that by nature, is supposed to be "wicked", he also has the strength to carry that out if he wanted to. Still, on a character level, Edward is fully capable to give into not only his Vampire instincts but his passions for Bella as well. He really COULD be wicked in every way and on every level, and on EVERY level he restrains himself and won't because of his love for virtue and for Bella (as well as Bella's virtue).

This phase of the story, in Eclipse I mean, there is more revealing about this part of Edward and frankly I loved it and I loved that Hollywood showed it. It's frankly not a popular view in entertainment today at all. Part of the reason Anne enjoys that thought in her head of a man who COULD be wicked but wouldn't is because the level of resisting all you COULD do reveals the level of character and in some cases, love you have for others. It's the revelation of the level of self-sacrifice and unselfishness. Isn't that what all women want, a man who could completely give into his instincts but doesn't for the deeper character quality of virtue? It's a strength we identify as stronger than his physical capabilities.

Ironically Anne Shirley is an Edwardian character, as is Edward (thus probably, his name choice). I can't help but think that Anne would have had something for him had they ever met:) Still, I love Gilbert so my brain won't let me imagine too far into that one.

I realized too that I do have an Edward type husband. Not only is he handsome, he is so self-sacrificing. Yes, he has his struggles but his heart is pure gold to do what is best by me and my kids. He strives well for virtue and faithful love for me. Sometimes I feel like the undeserving Bella wondering why this man loves me so much. I guess that's normal. Oddly, my husband could not be mean if he wanted to so there is no correlation there, but on the level of character and selflessness, he is totally my Edward. And as I came home at 3am and snuggled next to him I wished he was awake enough for me to tell him that. I just listened to the fan and his breathing, and wished I'd not drank so much Diet Pepsi at the theater, thinking how blessed I am to have him. Unfortunately, when he took off for work early this morning the shoe was on the other foot and I have some vague dreamlike memory of him hovering over me and saying goodbye followed by some affirmative groan out of myself.

In conclusion, I loved the movie for many reasons. They followed the book well, they put in some great humor, and they are building the story to my satisfaction. Twilight is famous for is cheesiness (high levels in the first movie...my friend and I literally laugh out loud when Edward runs up the mountain side with his "spider monkey" and it seriously looks like his legs and dangling in mid air) and there are one or two in this one too but they are getting few and far between by now (whew!). I felt especially on the topic of virtue, virginity and marriage, with our culture today they could have really fuzzed over Edward's convictions on those points but instead they make it obvious. I'm still thrilled by that.

The fact too is that any man is capable of selfishness and "wickedness" and though the norm of today may be a myriad of those who just give into every whim of that, I like that we are reminded of the truly sexy man who reigns it all in for (in reality) God (referred more to as "virtue" and "the soul" in general in the story) and the woman and children he loves.

So, go smooch your wicked warrior today. I know I will ;)