A Speaker In a Silent Room

I've grown very emotional about my blogging again. I have to admit, when my computer broke down I was relieved not to even think about blogging. I've always had a love/hate relationship with it. I can't tell you why exactly.

I'm a thinker.

I love to share what I think...usually.

That is half of it, and it's why I keep coming here.

Second half?

I love to converse.

I love to hear what other people think and to stir up conversation.

That is the half I don't really get here.

It would not be so bad if the blogging did not take a lot of my time and energy to do. Many of my deep contemplative blogs are the ones that take the most time and they are the ones that I'm sure are the most challenging for readers to read or even have the time to pay attention to.

I thrive on stirring up thoughts on things that most people don't take the time to think about. I love to have a weird angle on something or a different perspective. I love to stimulate original thought. It's part of my nature to want to do this in writing or in conversation in person. Blogging has never grown to be what I'd always hopped it would be this way. I've seen it get close a few times but quite frankly, I think my drive for it is too much for most people to keep up with. Or, they don't understand what I'm saying at all perhaps.

I go to other blogs I enjoy who write regularly and their feedback is so stimulating! They have conversing readers sharing congruent thoughts or opinions or disagreements or ....frankly, whatever the heck, but SOMETHING.

I've noticed a pattern on my blog. I have a meter and keep track of what goes on here. I don't have a problem with readers, I have a problem with participants. I can have up to 30 readers in a day if the subject matter strikes them as interesting enough and I can have no to one or two responders (and usually I can predict who they will be..and my love goes out to you, you know who you are).

Do you know what that is like?

It's like sitting in a room with 30 people and sharing something you took time and energy to prepare, perhaps even something that makes you vulnerable, and your crowd listens in complete silence. Then, they get up to leave, again in complete silence.

I almost can't stand that.

Would you not wonder? Would you not think to yourself...did I say something wrong? Am I weird? Do they think I'm a nut? Do they get what I'm saying?

Should I care this much? Probably not.

Do I?

Yes. Unfortunately.

Am I emotional about it?

Yes. Unfortunately.

I could be lectured very well right now, and don't I know it. "Alicia, don't worry about all that, just do what you like to do."

Yes, but see, part of what I like to do is hear what other people think too. I can't do that part myself and yet it's half of why I do this.

I understand, most people don't blog like I do. As a matter of fact, most women bloggers hit on the daily stuff. Last time I quit my blog I quit because I could not do that. I could not be just trivial. But this is not good either.

To stretch and strain to pull together contemplative blogging leaves me expectant for response. After all, I put my neck out a lot in my blogging.

I'm really not a self conscience person. However, from this end, it's near impossible not to assume all kinds of things in the silence. After all, if it conjured up a lot of thought in my head, should it not stimulate the same in others? I don't know. I really don't.

Yet, since half of my passion for this comes from conversing with others, I get easily frustrated with the silence. I don't know how it is that even though it's half of my fun of doing this, I seem to draw 95% silent types.

It's starting to make me wonder if I want to do it anymore. There is nothing worse than reaching in, working hard to gather, and pulling out your deepest thoughts only to throw them into silence. Honestly, I think I'd feel better looking at the site meter and seeing that NO ONE came by! But, to see that 15-30 people did and had NOTHING to say, I almost get sick to my stomach.

Am I strange. Yes, I'll give you that.

Am I grumpy about it right now. Yes.

Am I throwing a juvenile fit? Maybe.

You caught me in a moment that I don't care though.

I LOVE the Alcorn book club I meet with in person right now. I adore hearing other people's thoughts on deep things. I love hearing people have SOMETHING to say. It's so stimulating.

I'm not suited for speaking in a silent room. It's just not me.

So, this stage light may very well go out soon.

If not, I'll try to gather the strength to keep it going for the every day stuff cause that seems to be all people give a darn about anymore anyway.

Everything else will have to stay in my head or personal discussion groups where I don't feel so awkward sharing it anymore.

You know the saying "no comment"...it always connotes something.

I wish I could get over it.

It's probably totally lame of me.

I don't have the energy to prepare to speak to silence.

It's not worth it.