A Speaker In a Silent Room

I've grown very emotional about my blogging again. I have to admit, when my computer broke down I was relieved not to even think about blogging. I've always had a love/hate relationship with it. I can't tell you why exactly.

I'm a thinker.

I love to share what I think...usually.

That is half of it, and it's why I keep coming here.

Second half?

I love to converse.

I love to hear what other people think and to stir up conversation.

That is the half I don't really get here.

It would not be so bad if the blogging did not take a lot of my time and energy to do. Many of my deep contemplative blogs are the ones that take the most time and they are the ones that I'm sure are the most challenging for readers to read or even have the time to pay attention to.

I thrive on stirring up thoughts on things that most people don't take the time to think about. I love to have a weird angle on something or a different perspective. I love to stimulate original thought. It's part of my nature to want to do this in writing or in conversation in person. Blogging has never grown to be what I'd always hopped it would be this way. I've seen it get close a few times but quite frankly, I think my drive for it is too much for most people to keep up with. Or, they don't understand what I'm saying at all perhaps.

I go to other blogs I enjoy who write regularly and their feedback is so stimulating! They have conversing readers sharing congruent thoughts or opinions or disagreements or ....frankly, whatever the heck, but SOMETHING.

I've noticed a pattern on my blog. I have a meter and keep track of what goes on here. I don't have a problem with readers, I have a problem with participants. I can have up to 30 readers in a day if the subject matter strikes them as interesting enough and I can have no to one or two responders (and usually I can predict who they will be..and my love goes out to you, you know who you are).

Do you know what that is like?

It's like sitting in a room with 30 people and sharing something you took time and energy to prepare, perhaps even something that makes you vulnerable, and your crowd listens in complete silence. Then, they get up to leave, again in complete silence.

I almost can't stand that.

Would you not wonder? Would you not think to yourself...did I say something wrong? Am I weird? Do they think I'm a nut? Do they get what I'm saying?

Should I care this much? Probably not.

Do I?

Yes. Unfortunately.

Am I emotional about it?

Yes. Unfortunately.

I could be lectured very well right now, and don't I know it. "Alicia, don't worry about all that, just do what you like to do."

Yes, but see, part of what I like to do is hear what other people think too. I can't do that part myself and yet it's half of why I do this.

I understand, most people don't blog like I do. As a matter of fact, most women bloggers hit on the daily stuff. Last time I quit my blog I quit because I could not do that. I could not be just trivial. But this is not good either.

To stretch and strain to pull together contemplative blogging leaves me expectant for response. After all, I put my neck out a lot in my blogging.

I'm really not a self conscience person. However, from this end, it's near impossible not to assume all kinds of things in the silence. After all, if it conjured up a lot of thought in my head, should it not stimulate the same in others? I don't know. I really don't.

Yet, since half of my passion for this comes from conversing with others, I get easily frustrated with the silence. I don't know how it is that even though it's half of my fun of doing this, I seem to draw 95% silent types.

It's starting to make me wonder if I want to do it anymore. There is nothing worse than reaching in, working hard to gather, and pulling out your deepest thoughts only to throw them into silence. Honestly, I think I'd feel better looking at the site meter and seeing that NO ONE came by! But, to see that 15-30 people did and had NOTHING to say, I almost get sick to my stomach.

Am I strange. Yes, I'll give you that.

Am I grumpy about it right now. Yes.

Am I throwing a juvenile fit? Maybe.

You caught me in a moment that I don't care though.

I LOVE the Alcorn book club I meet with in person right now. I adore hearing other people's thoughts on deep things. I love hearing people have SOMETHING to say. It's so stimulating.

I'm not suited for speaking in a silent room. It's just not me.

So, this stage light may very well go out soon.

If not, I'll try to gather the strength to keep it going for the every day stuff cause that seems to be all people give a darn about anymore anyway.

Everything else will have to stay in my head or personal discussion groups where I don't feel so awkward sharing it anymore.

You know the saying "no comment"...it always connotes something.

I wish I could get over it.

It's probably totally lame of me.

I don't have the energy to prepare to speak to silence.

It's not worth it.

Eclipse and "Wicked" Men: Anne Shirley Had It Right

There are no spoilers here...FYI. I'm keeping this general and safe. It would be wrong to the code of Twilight to ruin your experience in the theater AT ALL:)

I've always loved, understood and been pleasantly haunted by a line in Anne of Green Gables. Marilla asks Anne as they are walking through the pasture "would you want to marry a wicked man?" and Anne replies in her clever, potently witty way "No, but I'd like it if he COULD be wicked, and wouldn't".

And THAT ladies and gents is why women love Edward Cullen. I realized it this morning waking up out of my "got in at 3am" stooper after the six hour Cullen viewing last night. Not only is he a being that by nature, is supposed to be "wicked", he also has the strength to carry that out if he wanted to. Still, on a character level, Edward is fully capable to give into not only his Vampire instincts but his passions for Bella as well. He really COULD be wicked in every way and on every level, and on EVERY level he restrains himself and won't because of his love for virtue and for Bella (as well as Bella's virtue).

This phase of the story, in Eclipse I mean, there is more revealing about this part of Edward and frankly I loved it and I loved that Hollywood showed it. It's frankly not a popular view in entertainment today at all. Part of the reason Anne enjoys that thought in her head of a man who COULD be wicked but wouldn't is because the level of resisting all you COULD do reveals the level of character and in some cases, love you have for others. It's the revelation of the level of self-sacrifice and unselfishness. Isn't that what all women want, a man who could completely give into his instincts but doesn't for the deeper character quality of virtue? It's a strength we identify as stronger than his physical capabilities.

Ironically Anne Shirley is an Edwardian character, as is Edward (thus probably, his name choice). I can't help but think that Anne would have had something for him had they ever met:) Still, I love Gilbert so my brain won't let me imagine too far into that one.

I realized too that I do have an Edward type husband. Not only is he handsome, he is so self-sacrificing. Yes, he has his struggles but his heart is pure gold to do what is best by me and my kids. He strives well for virtue and faithful love for me. Sometimes I feel like the undeserving Bella wondering why this man loves me so much. I guess that's normal. Oddly, my husband could not be mean if he wanted to so there is no correlation there, but on the level of character and selflessness, he is totally my Edward. And as I came home at 3am and snuggled next to him I wished he was awake enough for me to tell him that. I just listened to the fan and his breathing, and wished I'd not drank so much Diet Pepsi at the theater, thinking how blessed I am to have him. Unfortunately, when he took off for work early this morning the shoe was on the other foot and I have some vague dreamlike memory of him hovering over me and saying goodbye followed by some affirmative groan out of myself.

In conclusion, I loved the movie for many reasons. They followed the book well, they put in some great humor, and they are building the story to my satisfaction. Twilight is famous for is cheesiness (high levels in the first movie...my friend and I literally laugh out loud when Edward runs up the mountain side with his "spider monkey" and it seriously looks like his legs and dangling in mid air) and there are one or two in this one too but they are getting few and far between by now (whew!). I felt especially on the topic of virtue, virginity and marriage, with our culture today they could have really fuzzed over Edward's convictions on those points but instead they make it obvious. I'm still thrilled by that.

The fact too is that any man is capable of selfishness and "wickedness" and though the norm of today may be a myriad of those who just give into every whim of that, I like that we are reminded of the truly sexy man who reigns it all in for (in reality) God (referred more to as "virtue" and "the soul" in general in the story) and the woman and children he loves.

So, go smooch your wicked warrior today. I know I will ;)

Offline for Awhile

My computer is not working right now. I am not able to blog or moderate my comments. I will let you know when I am back online.

"If God Is Good" Session 2: Accept The Diagnosis

Thank you ladies who got together with me last night to discuss Session 1+2 of the book. It was a great discussion. I'm so excited that you are reading and getting lots out of it. Thank you Tammy also for following along with us. It seems that everyone is being blessed and challenged by this book and that really excites me! I love seeing women enjoy their theological mental workouts.:)
On a side note I'd like to say something about my series of this on my blog. I know many of you come by blogs for some fun daily tid-bits and these posts are long, deep and challenging. Perhaps you've changed 15 diapers today and just put three little ones to nap only to come here and think "are you kidding me!?" This series is not going to be a mindless escape at all and for you who are looking for that, I'm sorry! I do hope to pepper in some family stuff to share soon but with the business of school ending, and the importance of the material of this book, I'm afraid this is all I've had time for right now. I'm glad it's break now and I should have time to share more on both levels. I hope.
Regarding Session 2, I'd also like to mention that I'll be kind of skipping the most interesting chapter "Evil's Entry Into The Universe" because it correlates with a blog I've been wanting to do on humility, and whether the sin originates with pride or unbelief. It's a very important post to me and It's not ready yet. It will be a wonderful rabbit trail off this reading but that chapter is an excellent spring board for it. So, look for that soon.
Section 2 Reflections: Accept The Diagnosis
So, another big disagreement I've had with God is definitely covered in this section. I don't like the fact that men are born into a sin nature they did not ask for. Having to come to grips with that in my relationship with God is not easy but it does not mean I stubbornly don't come to grips with it! It's another thing on the road to understanding evil where I have an emotional response but because of my love for my God, and my desire for His glory (which he has chosen to include this scenario) I want to bend my knee not just in submission but in total worship for this being for those purposes.
"Too many people, Christians included, view the Christian faith in bits and pieces. We should see it as a holistic worldview, a large-scale belief system based on the unfolding of redemptive history." (Alcorn)
Here are the biggies for me from this section:

• "What's right in our eyes is not synonymous with what's right". God decides what defines good and evil. How I feel about something being good or evil may be expressed but it does nothing to change the truth He has authored. "We can choose to do either good or evil, but we have no vote in establishing whether something is good or evil. Unfortunately, when evaluating the problem of evil and suffering, many Christians retreat into a man-centered worldview. Once they do this, subsequent discussion becomes almost pointless. If we accept the argument that the highest value of the universe is short-term human happiness in the form of immediate fulfillment of desires, then we cannot defend the Christian worldview, because we ourselves have departed from it. (later on...:) Since evil offends God's nature, the true test of good and evil is how God sees it. Simply serving our desired ends does not make something good; neither does causing our unhappiness make something evil."


• The more aware of sin I am the better...especially my own. "If you have not learned about sin, you cannot understand yourself, or your fellow-men, or the world you live in, or the Christian faith. And you will not be able to make head or tail of the Bible. For the Bible is an exposition of God's answer to the problem of human sin and unless you have that problem clearly before you, you will keep missing the point of what it says." (J.I. Packer) This speaks to us today in the cultural, Christian "movements" of our time. We don't want to talk about sin and human evil, we want to talk about how God loves us. But the true bright light of how God loves us is not seen fully unless the darkness of our sin is first understood to make love's brilliance known and astounding to us. "This I believe to be a fact: and I notice that the holier a man is, the more fully he is aware of that fact" (C.S Lewis regarding the topic of the horror of our own sin)


• My sin is an offence to GOD FIRST, and THEN to those I also offend by it. "We tend to minimize our sin because we fail to see it's real object. When we hurt those we love, we become aware of our sin. Their pain reflects our evil back to us like a mirror. But because we do not see God and see how our sin hurts him, we don't see either the frequency or the gravity of our offenses. We imagine our sin has no effect on him. 'Against you, you only, have I sinned' I think David is correcting in himself the tendency we all have- to limit our sorrow to the hurt we've inflicted on human beings. And when we fail to see that we have sinned against God above all- the One who has maximum worthiness- then no matter how bad we feel about what we've done to others, we will inevitably minimize our sin. Repentance without recognizing our offense against God is not repentance." These thoughts can really guide our parenting as well. What great elements to instill in our children. The problem is, we have to get it through our thick skulls first before we can pass it on, am I right?


• I AM THE BAD GUY. Randy points out that our own evil nature is the catalyst for our sin, not the sources outside us. We are the perpetrators. Not only so, but he points out that apart from Christ, we are equal with the greatest of evil men. "We'll never appreciate Christ's grace so long as we hold on to the proud illusion that we're better than we are. We flatter ourselves when we look at evil acts and say 'I would never do that'. Given our evil natures and a similar background, resources, and opportunities, we would.' (Alcorn) Seeing this awful truth should not and does not have the purpose of self bashing and pointless depression. It's purpose is more realistic recognition of the beauty of what Christ has done for us and results in a more genuine humility and repentance. How could any Christian find themselves evaluating their own righteousness better than anothers under the true realization of this fact? I don't think it's possible, and the fact that we struggle with doing so proves we don't really get our true sin nature outside of our Savior. "They are skilled in doing evil; they know not how to do good" (Jeremiah 4:22) "Only one who is deeply aware of his evil tendencies will humbly take the necessary steps to guard his heart from sin. I've found tremendous freedom in knowing that I am a great sinner. It helps deliver me from pretending I'm better than I am. It makes me more honest before God and others, and hopefully more truly humble (as opposed to merely appearing to be humble as a prideful strategy).(Alcorn) WOW...is that not convicting!? I say bring it on God, because THAT is the character of you I want ingrained in me!

Whether I think my sin nature is unfair or not really does not matter. I may be tempted to think it matters that I don't like it, and I may be honest about the emotion I have of it seeming unfair but none of this does anything to get me where God wants me to be in response to him. For HIS glory, this is the way he has allowed the set up to be. I waste me time to bemoan this fact. "...we will not submit ourselves to the treatment if we deny our disease or bemoan it's unfairness." (Alcorn) Even worse, I continually glaze over it! I think at times I mentally say "search me oh, God and see if there be any wicked way in me....but I'm sure you won't find any." Yikes. My favorite statement from Alcorn in this Section was the following:

"Instead of bemoaning our own predicaments, how often do we look at the world, with all it's evil and suffering, and say to God, 'Forgive me for my part in the world's sin'?"

I think the key is to recognize that my enemy would love for me to fall one way or the other. He would love for me to be laden with guilt that debilitates me or denial that blinds me. Both keep me from humble submitting resulting in astounding joy that is contagious and effective for the glory of my God.

The final chapter is very interesting and addresses the issue of natural disasters. I won't cover that but it's great reading. My favorite point from there was "The synonym for natural disasters is 'an act of God'. Interestingly, beautiful weather isn't widely referred to as 'an act of God'."

....boy, ain't that the truth.

(Click the link on the upper left side bar for links to the reading schedule, and previous posts in this series)