"Are You A Cool Mom?"

That's what a fourteen year old girl asked me yesterday and boy has it set me thinking.

When our children are little, they don't care if we are cool, we are the world to them. We are the mender of scrapes and aches, the soother of fevers, and the console of emotions. We are superior to cool. Then your child turns 11, or 12, or 13 and all of a sudden you have to earn your coolness to them. Or at least that is what THEY think. I've thought it out and realized this peer pressure from my own child aught to be put int the category it belongs...immaturity.

Dare I say that in homeschooling, you also can mostly avoid this challenging transition. You control their environment, their exposure to friends, EVERYTHING. But when your kids are in school they go through this phase where they are enchanted by what other people get to do and YOU become the ball and chain. It's CHALLENGING! But you know what! It's real life! Some may face it now, some later on, but definitely the coming Jr. High years are about to be my most challenging ever. If we don't go through it, I'm certain that it will show up in retarded timing later on in their lives. So, I guess I just have to strap my big girl boots on and walk on.

A mom of three nearly grown girls told me once that looking back she wished she had not tried to be her girls friend as much as their mom. I took that to heart and it's helping me here. That is my right, given by God toward them. I'm serious here! Do you think that I will go through the pain of birthing you (of which you will only know later on in life), the JOY of wiping your slimy bottom for a few years only to transition to cleaning up your pee mess on the floor now and then, the glorious job of patiently teaching you you are NOT the center of your own universe, the delight of loving you at every turn whether you deserved it or not, to be turned down at 11 because I have not EARNED you coolness standard? Uhhhh, I DON'T THINK SO!

So I've been sorting out in my head this anomaly of "coolness". What does it really mean to "be cool". Does it not at this age really mean I will let you do what ever you want, when you want, and on top of that like a little cherry on a sundae, I'll let you do whatever your friends want to do as well. Wow, it seems to me I've just defined one thing:

A REALLY BAD MOM!

When this gal asked me this last night, Victoria answered for me with a gesture of her thumb not up or down but in the middle and made a "ehhhhh" sound. In other words, I wasn't really. I have to admit, it hurt my feelings at first. So much so that I went home to sulk about it. Yes, I felt really immature when I did but you wait till YOU get there (unless you avoid this stage alltogether) and then talk to me about the way I felt! :) Then the Lord allowed something to happen to get me back on track and realize what my daughter really needed....GUIDANCE.

There is a boy in Victoria's class who has been on my heart since we put them into public school. He comes from a poor home with parents that are somewhat anarchist. They are also racists and being at a school full of Hispanics, that is not a great thing. His older brother is in the "community school" with it's own little two modular campus gated in at the back corner of the school property. He has been in so much trouble for being in fights with Hispanics. Louis however, the one in Victoria's class, is still a great kid. He has been effected by the things he is taught at home but he does not act out at anyone yet like his older brother. The kids have ostracized him and say he stinks or is dirty. Truthfully, he is a very loving kid, and trying hard to do well in school despite his lack of support at home from parents that don't agree with the requirement of the government that your kid be schooled at all.

I stood the other morning with the 6th grade class waiting for Victoria's teacher to get to the classroom to let them in. The kids line up in two lines but I noticed that one line was very long and one very short. I asked the kids why that was and they said (right where he could hear mind you) that it was because no one wanted to stand next to Louis. That crushed me. Children can be SO awful! I did not keep my tongue. I told them "well, that is just ridiculous!" and I went to stand by him and gave him a little side hug. He was very quiet. The whole class was watching me and hearing what I said and I wanted them to. I know he goes through this all the time. I happened to look up at my daughter who was smiling proudly at me. I knew she had felt bad for Louis for a long time and tries to be the one to be nice to him when she gets the opportunity. Her heart is convicted that the way he is treated is wrong.

But oh, the price we will pay for coolness......

This same 14 year old mentioned above was writing a note back and forth to Victoria last night that I happened to get my hands on though my daughter does not know it yet. She mentioned something she had to do this weekend that she did not like to which my daughters response was:

"Well, at least you don't have to sit by Louis (last name)"

The gal went on to respond that he was ugly, and his brother was a racist and all he had gotten in trouble for.

I was furious.

I would have pulled my daughter out of her cozy bed of reading last night when I finally discovered this and had a good talking to but she had fallen asleep. I discussed it with my husband and had time instead to process all this and I'm so thankful for that. God's good to slow me down.

My daughter looks up to this 14 year old and she knew she had a one way ticket to "coolness" by saying this derogatory statement about Louis. She took it. She cashed it in, and it worked. I KNOW this is not what she really thinks about Louis or how to treat him, but she was willing to trade in her character for cool.

And THAT is what it really comes down to isn't it!? Trading our character in for "cool". Is it worth the price we pay? Never.

So, you can imagine, my husband and I have a very teachable moment to grasp with our daughter this evening but I came here to share what it taught me.

"Coolness" is a versatile thing. It is defined by the one who defines it. There is no set in stone definition of cool. There is what one person thinks is cool, what one group, what one society, what one decade thinks. It forever changes. We have to be careful how we define it and the fact is, it will look a little different to all of us but there is one certainty....

God defines what's cool with Him, and what's not. That is the one thing that does not change.

This lesson is just rich with layers of life lessons for my child. She may never hear the end of it:)

For me, I had to remember whether I was defining "cool mom" from the perspective of an 11 or 14 year old, or from God's perspective. A really bad mom is not cool, but kids this age don't have the maturity to see that so we have to check ourselves by a different definition and realize the depravity of theirs. I was grateful for this reality check as to how fickle my immature child and this gal really are still. They need to be guided, they need to be guarded, and they need to be told "no" often. They need to be held back, away and from so many things and that is not going to look "cool" to them.

I do believe that what they need to see is a mom that when their maturity catches up with them, they will look back and see clearly. Being a mom they would think "cool" now, would later look flippant, unconcerned, and week to them later on.

My conclusion? If my child ALWAYS thought I was cool, I'd be in trouble. If she NEVER thought I was cool, that would be sad (because some of their definitions of "cool" are valid). My daughter gave me an in-the-middle "ehhh", and I realized that's exactly where I should be!

SO, that's cool with me.

*NOTE*

A dear friend of mine who homeschools has enlightened me. She was not able to get comments to work but wanted to say that she had the same problem at this age with her kids and their social homeschool group. Also, that there were social problems of unkindness there as well.

I thought that was important to add here. So, the desire for coolness must transcend schooling options. :)

I have since fixed the controls on the comment so that anyone can comment even without a google account. FYI